Do you ever find it’s a lot easier to dish out coaching & advice than to live it consistently in your own life?
Me, too. Just this morning I caught myself “shoulda”ing.
It was over something really silly and totally not important. In that moment of awareness I thought “There you go again, Spencer …”
… and then I started being hard on myself for how I “shouldn’t” be so hard on myself!!!
What the heck?!?!
Despite how quick I am to notice and compassionately re-direct when my clients are in a should-spiral, I’ve been aware of going down those a lot myself lately:
~ I shoulda worked on this sooner / shoulda done more / shouldn’ta wasted so much time
~ I shoulda stopped working earlier & made time to be with my kids
~ I should have more clients / be making more money / be way farther along in my business than I am
~ I should be OVER THIS by now!
I could go on for pages upon pages of what I hear in my own head, and what I hear from clients All. The. Time.
And those are just the conscious thoughts … I’ll be sharing more soon about the hidden, subconscious thoughts that are often running completely opposite to your “shoulds” to make things REALLY confusing.
Like, when you think I should be making more money, but underneath there are other beliefs like, “People who are driven by money & success are heartless and have their priorities all out of whack; no way would I ever want to be one of those people” …
Which creates quite a conflict between “I should be making more money” and “I shouldn’t be so money-hungry.” Yet we keep feeding the beast.
It seems kinda sucky and totally counterproductive to make ourselves so miserable.
We wouldn’t (intentionally) talk to anyone else in any way that kills their spirit, dims their light, or leaves them feeling disconnected & sooooooooo not enough … so WHY would we do something so destructive to our self?
The thing is, we wouldn’t do it if we weren’t getting something out of it.
That’s right. You’re getting something out of it.
A benefit. A perk. A “reward” for your thoughts, feelings, behaviors. Even a reward for being where you are, with the results you have … or the results you may be sorely lacking.
You probably already ‘knew’ that, but, perhaps like me, in the moment of shoulding & self-imposed suffering, it’s easy to forget, yeah?
It’s easy to let it be “real” and “True” and necessary to remind ourselves of how bad-and-wrong we are so we can learn from our mistakes and make amends.
That’s kinda why we do it, right? It’s like being the stern parent, giving yourself “the look” that has you shake in your boots, with that “I’m-NOT-messing-around!” voice in your head saying:
“HEY! You should know better! This is NOT okay! You better Shape Up!”
(wow! – I just heard my Mom’s voice in my head …)
If you’ve been following me a while, you know that there are some common (and kinda gross) payoffs for any seemingly undesirable thing in your life.
Anytime you’re not where you want to be, or not having the experience or results you want, there’s a payoff.
I’m not talking about “nice” payoffs. I’m talking about the things that have you go, “Ewwwwwww … THAT’s why I’m doing that?????”
The beauty is, when you allow yourself to see what the payoffs are, it’s like shining a light on the trail of clues that leads right to the root of your “sabotage.” The root of why you have “shoulds” in the first place.
These payoffs show up again & again and are a totally natural part of your survival instincts.
On some level, you THINK shoulding, shaming, struggling and attempting to compensate for all the ways you feel not enough is keeping you safe … keeping you alive.
IT’S a LIE.
Wanna uncover the truth so you can stop struggling & can really start living with a business & LIFE you LOVE that allows you make the impact you’re here to make without the self-imposed suffering?
1st: Check out my Masterclass revealing “THE #1 Mindset Key for the Unstoppable Entrepreneur” where I go deep into this. I’m coaching a program with some pretty amazing, multi-6-to-7-figure earners right now who have HUGE successes in business & all areas of life … yet again & again, even at that level of success, the challenges that even the most successful entrepreneurs face & the inner demons they get stopped by ALWAYS tie back to what I teach in this masterclass.
2nd: Look out for Part 2 of this post in a few days where I’ll speak to an even deeper layer that I’ve come to believe is the bottom line: the ultimate root cause of our not-enough-ness, and how you can take it on to create a life of joy, peace, freedom, and ease.
Lastly, I’d LOVE to hear from you: What are your top “shoulds” that have been dimming your light and weighing you down? … and do you want to let them go? (May sound silly to ask, but some of us don’t know who we’d be without our crosses to bear. More on that next time.)
All things possible,
~ Spencer